Attempted Logistics – The Continuing Ineptness of I-Parcel – How I-Parcel Managed To See The Future (Or Lie) – The End Of the I-Parcel Affair – The Saga of UPS and i-Parcel Continues – Customer Service Done Properly Sadly, the Case of the Misplaced Parcel has petered out without a satisfying conclusion one way or the…

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I quietly passed the two-thirds mark this week of my endeavour to write (edit, revise, translate, critique) a hundred thousand words in 2016. Beeminder has been a tremendous help in keeping me on track. In the 66773 words I’ve counted so far*, I have: written a single 300-word review; translated 3000 words of non-fiction; created…

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Honderd woorden per dag was te makkelijk. Het hielp iets toen ik de uitdaging opschroefde naar 150, maar nog steeds bouwde ik een enorme buffer op die me in staat stelde om dagen over te slaan en nog steeds een voorsprong te behouden op Beeminder. De Retro-ratchet-functie (de doelcurve omhoogschuiven om de buffer te reduceren tot…

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A little over three months days ago, I decided it was time to stop procrastinating, and begin making writing a regular part of my life, a given, a habit not easily broken, like sleeping, eating, reading, and bodily functions not normally mentioned in polite company. My approach was to demand of myself that I write…

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Re: Email from Floris Kleijne via - UPS i-parcel


Dear Emily, Andros, Bryan, Carlos, Gaudi, Jair, Jhon, Julio, Melissa, Soledad, Ulises, Taylor, Stephanie and whoever else is listening in on the party line,


Thanks, I suppose, for your stubborn willingness to keep providing me with answers, however meaningless, useless, and frequently untrue.


Of all the things I could choose to say to this latest I-Parcel communiqué, I select the two below. But before I get into the details, let me provide you with this preamble:

PLEASE READ WHAT I WRITE AND RESPOND TO THE THINGS I ACTUALLY SAY TO YOU. (Yes, I am shouting. You never know, perhaps that will get me heard.)


One: I have told you on many occasions now that the package we’ve been so pleasantly discussing came from EG&J Press, not from Amazon. (Unless, as I’ve previously suggested, you know more about it than I do. In which case, as I have also previously said on several occasions, I invite you to enlighten me.) And as I’ve also told you several times, the shipment contains author copies, for which no refund is in order. Canned responses like yours, that have no relevance to the issue under discussion, infuriate me to no end.


Two: You have lied to me about the causes for the failed delivery at least twice. Now you’re either lying to me again, or you have previously lied to me at least four more times. You just told me in your latest message that my package was returned on 3/10. However, I was told by your tracking page on 2/14, and in three previous messages on 2/21, 3/1, and 3/8, that my package had already been returned.


So either you are all prescient, or it’s a lie that the package was returned on 3/10, or the previous statements about the returned package were all lies. And guess what: I don’t believe in prescience.


Now, all that said, I kindly request you to please connect me to someone who has the authority and wherewithal to provide me with honest and accurate answers. These answers will unfortunately need to include a full listing of the various lies and inaccuracies in previous correspondence, and an admission of both guilt and ineptness.


In the meantime, I will continue to regale my readers with new episodes in this growing catalogue of lies and Kafkaesque absurdities, and I will only cease to do so after this matter has been resolved to my satisfaction. (And here’s a hint: my satisfaction can by now only be achieved through humble apologies, expressed in more than just words.)


Have a nice day.

Floris Kleijne